September 27, 2009

Healing myself


This is not what I wanted. Sitting numb in the confined walls listening to an old fool dictate stuff I don’t give a shit about. I want to be free, free from all these tension and pressure, these rules and regulations, free from all these stress that suffocates me, things I’m forced to do. I’m fed up with the things I’ve sacrificed to get those I care the least about.
I want to be free like a bird, like a small animal, I want to fly away from all these madness to some remote village or anything where I can do whatever things my heart tells me to.
Inside the lecture room, I felt like shouting, screaming at the top of my voice, like jumping or kicking someone. I even kicked my friend sitting beside me in my frustration. I don’t know what was happening to me. It was something that had never happened to me before. All I knew was that I was broken. All I knew was if I don’t get out of this chaos soon, I would certainly go mad.
At the end of that period, I took my bag and got out. I walked back to my room not even caring to tell my friends about it. All I did was walk with my eyes on the ground and my mind somewhere far away. Before I knew it, I was back in my room and threw myself onto the bed. I didn’t even feel like responding to the messages and missed calls from my friends. I stayed there staring at the ceiling and the fan, trying to get everything out of my mind.
I was thinking of taking a week leave and going back to my home. But my attendance percentage didn’t allow that. I hated it when other things affected my decisions; I hated it when I felt like being inside a prison.
Why can’t I have all the controls?
At least it’s my life.
One thing was for sure: I’m not going to the damned place again - well, at least until I feel better.
I felt a little better lying there with nothing in my mind. By about 4, I was feeling kind of OK and was thinking of a sensible explanation to give to my friends who were always bothered about my bunking classes.
But the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave for college, the bad feeling crept back again into my mind. I didn’t want to go. But again, I never paid attention to the lectures. I always preferred studying from texts. More over sometime back, I lost the faith in the authenticity of those precious words coming out of the lecturer’s mouth.
I decided to get back to my bed again. I had lain there without having breakfast. I felt peaceful with the cool air from the fan massaging my body, the soft music from my mobile healing each and every broken pieces of me.
Looking out through the window, I watched the light blue sky through the small leaves of the trees, the way the leaves move when the cool breeze swept through them, I let the beauty of nature spread inside me. I just laid there looking at that tree, the grey trunk, the thin yet numerous branches, the birds resting on them. I felt so peaceful and happy seeing the white clouds roaming about in the clear sky.
I felt like I was on a vacation, visiting all the beautiful places on the planet. I thought of myself standing beside a beach with the sun’s rays and the cool breeze touching my face, in a beautiful garden with the sound of birds singing for me.
My mind was full of happy thoughts, no Norton’s theory or 8085 architecture or function overloading or Rotating Magnetic Field to haunt me in my dreams. If you haven’t heard of all these things, consider yourself lucky.
I was in that dreamland for about 3’o clock. Hunger or thirst never dared to wake me up from this dream. I felt rejuvenated. I was cured.
By 3:30 I got up and set out to Alif Hotel to have my breakfast or lunch or evening snack, back to the real world.

42 comments:

k.ø.c.h.ü said...

hmm how about an appointment wid my uncle..hez a psychiatrist he he..!! lol...welcom baaaaaaaaak bro..!!!!!1 time 2 rock again..hit de delete button 4 all those worries!! smileeeeee :)

Dhanya said...

Don't worry! Be Happy, Amal! :)

Priya Joyce said...

I think the best solution to all these troubles is loneliness... i dun mean in the sense...the negative sense in which the word is used...
when u're alone juss not doing anything may juss lying down as u were..then a lot of things pass our mind...and we think n think and contemplate over those stuffs.n may be feeling like u r in a different world ..and the yah we get out...as u did
I think it's something that helps a lot...

sometimes others cannot console us or take us from troubles...problems...
:)

damsel in distress said...

Reality continues to ruin my life.

-Calvin.

you took the words outta my mind..

coffee,choclates and if possible a girlfriend...no,solution.get a girlfriend..all these problems would vanish just like that.so will your pocket money..but hey-new set of problems-oru change aarkkanu ishtamallathethu????


;)
chin up and smile..worse is not here yet!

i second that-i hete 8085 architecture..mps ,all of them in general and particular.

A S said...

ya i can relate to this...nice one

Gymnast said...

This is the mid-engineering crisis. That too , will pass. Glad you're back!!

Ashwathy said...

was wondering why no blog posts from u for long now...

welcome back! and i do hope u're back for good! :-) missed ur posts!

Lena said...

sometimes we just need to get away from a daily routine and get some excitement. Unfortunately we have to accept that the whole life will always be this routine and it is only in our hands to make it feel little less boring and little more exciting.

Deepika said...

Welcome Back!!! :) :)
It happens sometimes.... with me too...
your line " I even kicked my friend sitting beside me in my frustration" lmao... Gosh! it was damn funny :)))

Now you are back to blogging you'll be fine soon ;) ;)

take care

ANWESA said...

I guess you need quality time with yourself. Hope that will heal you.

Amal Bose said...

@Kochu
well..i think that wud be necessary if it goes on like this :P

Amal Bose said...

@Dhanya
thanks..
u take care :)

Amal Bose said...

@PJ
yeah..i guess so. but the more u think, the more u understand stuff.. it ll help
thanks for the comment
keep smilng :)

Amal Bose said...

@damsel
hehe.. yes i guess so :)

worse is not here yet! ??
thats a relief, hehe.. :P :P

take care n keep smiling :)

Amal Bose said...

@aditi
thanks for the comment :)

Amal Bose said...

@gymnast
hmm.. yeah.. :)
thnks for the comment :)

Amal Bose said...

@ashwathy
:]
i was kinda outta mood for sometime ;)
but im back!!
ll come up with some post soon :)
thanks a lot fr the comment :)

Amal Bose said...

@Lena
thats so true..but i find it a bit hard u know, but im trying :)
thanks for the visit

Amal Bose said...

@ Deepika
yeah..i did it n he was like WTF!!
hehe :P
thanks a lot for mentioning in ur blog ;)
take care dear :)

Amal Bose said...

@anwesa
yeah.. i certainly need some :)

HaRy!! said...

Hey Amal hav been seein yu commenting around so many blogs, but never got a chance to comment on yurs!! well here i am! goood post yu have....hmm i think the best way to tackle is to be alone!! yu just took the words off my mind and i think loneliness can do wonders!..luck dude!! cya around

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the site is currently being constructed and will be finished by 1st of Oct 2009.

we wish to include your blog located here

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we'll also have a feed fetcher which updates the recently updated blogs from among the listed blogs thus generating traffic to your recently posted entries.

If you are interested in listing your site in our blog roll; kindly include a link to our site in your blog in the prescribed format and send us a reply to enchantingkerala.org@gmail.com and we'll add your blog immediately. Ypu can add to our blog if you have more blog pls sent us the link of other blog we will add here

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anupama said...

Dear Amal,
well expressed the loeliness,the lows n the highs[hardly],the chaos n confusions!nothing unusual;it is a passing phase!and by now,you are real cool.
nature is the best gift n friend offered by GOD!turn to her[not him]for alift in spirits.i have done it n felt good.
i admire n appreciate the colourful flowers,the chirping birds,the fluttering butterflies,the jumping squirrels,the blooming buds!wow!no need to pay tax!open your eyes n enjoy!what more can you ask for?
wake up,amal!n i still enjoy counselling[free of charge]!
anytime do feel free to get connected![that got disconnected months before].:)
happy blogging!it's raining heavily now.
wishing you a very wonderful day,
sasneham,
anu

Aniket said...

Just glad those days are over for me. Got a back for Advanced Microprocessors. Hated the subject like anything.

We kept taking trips on bikes over weekends to keep us sane enough for the weekdays. Make time for life. I know its tough in this mean and nasty world.

Poornima said...

Nice blog..keep it rollin

Toon India said...

I understand what you are going through 8085..that is the stuff nightmares are made of :) don't worry it will pass!!

Anamika. said...

You've been tagged at my place. =)

Lilie said...

wow very nice blog you got. :)

Americanising Desi said...

love ur layout!
absolutely!
never knew how to work with such a template and hence u r envied :)

and definitely some porbs are to geti n and get out on our own. no words or doings can heal us :)
on;y time does

Americanising Desi said...

love ur layout!
absolutely!
never knew how to work with such a template and hence u r envied :)

and definitely some porbs are to geti n and get out on our own. no words or doings can heal us :)
on;y time does

Amal Bose said...

@hary
thanks for dropping by mate.. :)
take care

Amal Bose said...

@ Bijoy
ill visit it soon :)

Amal Bose said...

@ anupama
thanks for those rejuvenating words.. ill surely get connected soon ;)
thanks a lot for everything :)

Amal Bose said...

@Aniket
haha.. may be i shd try that too ;)

Amal Bose said...

@poornima
thanks :)
do drop in often

Amal Bose said...

@ Toon India
i hope so..
thanks for the visit :)

Amal Bose said...

@anamika
ill soon get to it :)
keep smiling :)

Amal Bose said...

@Lilie
thanks a lot :)

Amal Bose said...

@ Americanising Desi
thanks :)

yeah.. time is the ultimate healer

swati said...

sorry for being late!!
A smile can heal you dear..solitude..song..perfect combination..
and i guess at times each one of us goes through the same..and you wrote it ver well!!
so u better take care ok?? :P..n keep smiling always :)
Goodday!!

SAHITYIKA said...

everything will be fine..
the thing is it will take time u to realise that.. everything has got something good... may be later u will realise that it was gud that happened that time.. bt nt nw..
keep smiling.. :)

angel in disguise.... said...

it was fun reading it..coz many a times even i feel so..but once u relax n get back to ur dream world everything seems good..rite..so keep dreaming:)