September 27, 2009
This is not what I wanted. Sitting numb in the confined walls listening to an old fool dictate stuff I don’t give a shit about. I want to be free, free from all these tension and pressure, these rules and regulations, free from all these stress that suffocates me, things I’m forced to do. I’m fed up with the things I’ve sacrificed to get those I care the least about.
I want to be free like a bird, like a small animal, I want to fly away from all these madness to some remote village or anything where I can do whatever things my heart tells me to.
Inside the lecture room, I felt like shouting, screaming at the top of my voice, like jumping or kicking someone. I even kicked my friend sitting beside me in my frustration. I don’t know what was happening to me. It was something that had never happened to me before. All I knew was that I was broken. All I knew was if I don’t get out of this chaos soon, I would certainly go mad.
At the end of that period, I took my bag and got out. I walked back to my room not even caring to tell my friends about it. All I did was walk with my eyes on the ground and my mind somewhere far away. Before I knew it, I was back in my room and threw myself onto the bed. I didn’t even feel like responding to the messages and missed calls from my friends. I stayed there staring at the ceiling and the fan, trying to get everything out of my mind.
I was thinking of taking a week leave and going back to my home. But my attendance percentage didn’t allow that. I hated it when other things affected my decisions; I hated it when I felt like being inside a prison.
Why can’t I have all the controls?
At least it’s my life.
One thing was for sure: I’m not going to the damned place again - well, at least until I feel better.
I felt a little better lying there with nothing in my mind. By about 4, I was feeling kind of OK and was thinking of a sensible explanation to give to my friends who were always bothered about my bunking classes.
But the next morning, when I was getting ready to leave for college, the bad feeling crept back again into my mind. I didn’t want to go. But again, I never paid attention to the lectures. I always preferred studying from texts. More over sometime back, I lost the faith in the authenticity of those precious words coming out of the lecturer’s mouth.
I decided to get back to my bed again. I had lain there without having breakfast. I felt peaceful with the cool air from the fan massaging my body, the soft music from my mobile healing each and every broken pieces of me.
Looking out through the window, I watched the light blue sky through the small leaves of the trees, the way the leaves move when the cool breeze swept through them, I let the beauty of nature spread inside me. I just laid there looking at that tree, the grey trunk, the thin yet numerous branches, the birds resting on them. I felt so peaceful and happy seeing the white clouds roaming about in the clear sky.
I felt like I was on a vacation, visiting all the beautiful places on the planet. I thought of myself standing beside a beach with the sun’s rays and the cool breeze touching my face, in a beautiful garden with the sound of birds singing for me.
My mind was full of happy thoughts, no Norton’s theory or 8085 architecture or function overloading or Rotating Magnetic Field to haunt me in my dreams. If you haven’t heard of all these things, consider yourself lucky.
I was in that dreamland for about 3’o clock. Hunger or thirst never dared to wake me up from this dream. I felt rejuvenated. I was cured.
By 3:30 I got up and set out to Alif Hotel to have my breakfast or lunch or evening snack, back to the real world.