April 2, 2009

The confessions of a misled soul




You came as a friend, your fangs well hidden
and took me in with your bewitching tentacles.
I considered you as a part of me, till
I found my rotting blood on your fangs;
I still can feel your venom engulf me
making me a part of the burning tree -
feeding on misunderstood philosophy.

The moment I found of I've become a part of what I hate,
I started hating myself.
I did your bidding without a question
for it was for a higher good -
we were too infant to understand.
You lied - you lied to your brother,
as you have called me ten thousand times.

You gave me the power to do what you seek
and i took each drop of death inside me
to take away what I can never return.
And now, you ask for my soul
To banish a thousand unclean souls;
No! my dear brother - I'll only give up my soul
to take away the devil inside you.

(This is my first attempt in poetry, so i want you to give your valuble comments or critisism and help me improve it)

16 comments:

Gopal G. said...

My appreciation of your desire to write poems and this is your maiden attempt, which seems okay, but deserves a little bit of clarity of thought. Your future poems when they tend to be popular will necessarily have to convey your thoughts with some clear TAGS to cater to different age-groups. I have observed many famous poets following this principle. Totally philosophical poems do not find easy acceptance by the interested readers.

Hence do incorporate some easy vocabs and avoid 100@ philosphy to make a success. Wish you success.

Deepika Gupta said...

its a good effort... must say... keep it up :)

I'm said...

Good lines. Never stop doing poetry! :-) Keep at it!! :-)

Sriram said...

oh god.. finally could post a comment. There was no 'select profile' combo box visible at all.. then finally discovered it was some bug within Opera. Now on firefox :)

Priya Joyce said...

I must say u express well..in a way that touches feelings.

keep writing

and same pinch on the first attempt :)

Amal Bose said...

Gopal
Thanks...ill keep that in mind.

Deepika,Akhil,Sriram,Priya
Thank you guys.... :)

Chriz said...

liked it.. nice one..
fury fretted out on some girl

doesnt look like an amateur writing :)
liked it bro..

k.ø.c.h.ü said...

cool attempt...hey is der de element of reality in it?? :)

Little Girl Lost said...

your poem read like a thriller novel. it is full of dark emotions which make very good poetry fodder. but if you really want my opinion, i would suggest you use fewer words that create more images, ie try to say a lot in very few words. that is the essence of good poetry.
however if this is your first poem i'm definately looking forward to reading your next one :) you write very well.
pls read my poem and tell me what you think.

NEHA said...

loved ur poem :)

Amal Bose said...

Chriz,Kochu
thanks.. do visit again. :)

Little girl
i definitely will :)
thanks for the comment

NEHA
thanks :)

Vinnie said...

hey Amal
i finally found the post comment link..phew!!!

i loved this one..its got a smoothness in whatever came into ur mind n there is a clarity of thought here...not at all ameteur..keep it up man!

n yes, all readers will not be pleased but that goes for all aspects in life...we cant please evryone...rather we r not meant to please everyone...u just express urself..great piece for first time attempt!

Amal Bose said...

Vinnie

thanks a lot.. :)

ya.. some have trouble finding the comment link..

Anonymous said...

Poetry is in the revision and refinement of often first very rough drafts.

Read through the poem and edit for cliches and vague feelings. There are many. Poetry is about finding new, unique ways to specifically describe feelings, objects, etc...

Hidden fangs, rotting blood, did your bidding, , gave me the power, my soul, higher good - all cliches

Specifically depict your feelings in new ways

The more interesting aspect of your thoughts here is what your "brother" did to you.

Amal Bose said...

@ Anon
that was the best feedback i ever got.
i know Ive used a lot of cliche ideas n terms, but its was my first work and ill try to improve..
thanks for the feedback, and you should have kept your name. i need feedbacks like these - that can help me improve

Ashwadhy said...

Keep it coming Amal. Its nice, the sense of something so deep, that I don't seem to be able to understand. Awesome 1st attempt.